Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
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All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Legend 🤣🤣
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.