*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
A Short Story.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….