[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9