At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
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Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”