yeah no that’s fair
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[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
💻🤡
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My dad teaching me to drive
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like