I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
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Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage