Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
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A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I鈥檓 doing the lords work (judging)
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you鈥檙e into bad boys.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
It鈥檚 so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Him: you鈥檙e beautiful.
Her: no I鈥檓 not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you鈥檙e crazy, I鈥檓 hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 馃幎 I’m too sexy for my shirt 馃幎 Too sexy for my shirt 馃幎
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn鈥檛 look like you鈥檝e been flossing.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.