casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Need this in my life lol
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
IT’S-A ME,
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.