Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
You Might Also Like
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”