House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Guy who likes music
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.