*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
You Might Also Like
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
FINE, I WON’T.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it