Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad