My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
time machine? you mean a clock?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone