How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…