Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
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No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
This probably isn’t good
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave