The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.