A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
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It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
The happy life.. 😊
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet