Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
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*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.