Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My favorite female superhero
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.