Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.