Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭