AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables