My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
repaired
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.