[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
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*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once