the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Does this dress make me look cat?
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
put ‘er there pardner!
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.