who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
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Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing