Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
pictures of spider-man
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*