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Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Love is in the air fryer.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.