i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
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The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.