Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.