*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
You Might Also Like
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I cannot call her anything else now
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.