*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
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who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky