I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable