i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?