I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
selfie game
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
peeping toms
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock