I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Ironic
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”