Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Cheers Twitter.
Me My dog
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
they finally got him. they got macavity
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.