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we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.