My life coach traded me.
You Might Also Like
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.