Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
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People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop