Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
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Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby