10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Oh no
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I am having an out of money experience.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.