B
You Might Also Like
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Terribly Tuesday.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄