[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
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WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD