The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My first child will be named New Folder.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first