Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
You Might Also Like
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Hmmmmm
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.