Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
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People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
remember
only for emergencies
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.