Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
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He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.