My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
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“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
the #horror is real!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.