These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
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Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday